Sunday, December 26, 2010

It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now...

I just spent 30 minutes crying inside our bedroom while Peter watches Friends reruns downstairs. He doesn't know... yet.

A heavy feeling descended on my chest right after our village utility guy paid us a visit at home to announce about this village Christmas party that we'll be having tomorrow. My first thought was "Oh no..."

Then I went upstairs, told Peter about it, told him to give the guy some sort of donation that the village is asking for and just tell him we won't be home tomorrow. Then I went to the bathroom, washed my face, went to bed and just started crying. I mean, when and how did I become like this?! I used to love Christmas and I used to throw Christmas parties when I was a kid!

I remember as early as eight years old, I would organize a Christmas party in our village, I'd wrap gifts for my neighbors and even buy food and prepare sandwiches and juice. I did this until summer of my freshman year in high school. What happened to me? How did I become this jaded and screwed?

Oh.... oh.... then I began remembering. All this started when I lived in "hell" with my grandparents my whole 4 years in high school. I can't believe this! I can't believe that after all these years, my step grandmother is still ruining my happiness!


- My step grandmother is the Santa Claus in the family. She likes giving gifts to everyone, especially during Christmas, but she was a very mean lady, especially during my teen years. Mahilig sha manumbat and she told my mom that she loves my lolo, but it doesn't mean that she loves us too. And to prove it, every time she'd buy a property, she'd name it after her relatives so when my lolo dies (my lolo is 20 years older than her), she and her family gets to have everything.

- When I turned 16 years old, she made a gesture of hosting a sweet 16 birthday party for me. It was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. Well, guess what? The moment she saw that I was having fun, she literally sent my guests away and locked the gate. Total wacko!

- She didn't let me attend my HS graduation ball because she found out I had a boyfriend. She sent me back to Manila mabilis pa sa alas kwatro! My grandfather didn't want to support my college studies then because of that but thanks to my scholarship, I was able to finish school.

- She told my mom that she is the reason for all my successes. WTF?! If she only knew how she screwed me up.

- I tried to be an obedient granddaughter by serving at GSIS for 6 years, but I believe, being with many pretentious, political people like her all the time during those years just further jaded me.

Anyway, I'm babbling. The mere fact that I let her do this to me means that half of this is my fault. I let her ruin my happiness. I let her ruin many of my Christmases. It also doesn't help that I oftentimes feel like an ATM machine when it comes to my family, like they only want me or need me when they need money from me. When I'm the one in need, nobody really helps me, nobody even cares or wonders if I need some help. And this is why year after year, my dislike for Christmas is growing,and everything that goes with it --- gift giving, parties, socializing, etc.

I may need psychological help after this, which is the reason why I took up psychology back in college in the first place. I thought I was already able to heal myself. I guess I was wrong. Here I am, feeling like I'm back to zero again.


Meredith said...

Jen, I do agree that you are letting A.E. ruin what you have painstakingly built up through the years, a stronger and better you.

Although, Christmas mas bring back awful memories, I'm sure that memories of you with Peter and lots of other great moments during the holidays are also back. Focus on them.

I am not much of a psych expert but I realized that forgiving A.E. and accepting the fact that she is not perfect (this is why she gets to you) is a start. You have this huge and deep capacity for love because in spite of all the hardships you went through, you remain one of the most giving person I know.

Honestly, you are a perfectionist. You are one of the most difficult people I know to impress. But I also know you are forgiving. I know this because I'm not perfect yet we are still bestfriends. I know Peter is not perfect but he's still the love of your life. Just remember that you are loved and hard as it may seem but I know that it's worth a try, just let go of A.E. and the hurt she caused you. Forgive her and make that your Christmas gift to yourself.

I love you so much. Always take care and give my love to Peter, too. Heaven now has 5 teeth and blows kisses to you and Peter.

Merry Christmas!

Jennifer Adams-Juan said...

Mer... thanks. I'm speechless.


When I was crying earlier, I imagined myself calling you and talking to you. But you know me, as much as possible, I try to solve my problems on my own, by either over analyzing them in my head or just writing about it instead. I figured, my friends have better things to do than listen to me rant about my past.

But I'm glad you're the first person to comment here. Just knowing that someone like you cares about what's happening with me helps start my healing process.

I thought I've forgiven A.E. a long time ago. Then these feelings just came rushing back.

In time, I'll make peace with it. I still think I need to consult a psychologist about all this. But hopefully, I can avoid doing that.

Thanks again, Mer. Thanks for loving me even when I feel like I don't deserve it.

Hugs to you and Heaven. Enjoy the holidays! I'll try to do that too.


Jessa Floricel said...

Hi Ate Jen :) I may not be in the position to say all this because i'm just the cousin of your best friend and we don't have any deep relationship like what you have with manang jing-jing. But I sincerely would want to let you know that i feel for you. since we have been friends in facebook and since i've known you during my elementary years, I was glad that I have come to know you more, even just via the internet. you can also consider me as fan because i truly admire your works. :)

Anyhow, I also agree with manang jing2x about forgiveness. It's really one essential path to healing. manang jing said it right and i do agree with her that you are a loving person because i see it in you and you are capable of forgiving and letting go. i hope and pray that you will be totally healed. And you will not anymore feel the holiday blues in the future. Instead you will be celebrating happily, a festive merry merry christmas for the coming years.

God bless you always!

Sincerely and lovingly,
Jessa (jet)

anytime i will be ordering apparels from you, hehehe di palang talaga ako maka chempo sa budget *sigh* but really soon. will just pm you... :)

Jennifer Adams-Juan said...

Hi Jessa,

Thank you so much for all your kind words and assurances. A few days after I went neurotic, I am feeling much better. You are both right (as well as my facebook friends who told me the same thing). Forgiveness really is the key here towards healing and happiness.

I do forgive A.E. She did the best she could. I just wish I could forget it. Nevertheless, I am thankful for all her positive qualities and the many blessings she did bring to my life.

Hopefully, like you said, my holidays in the future will be much happier and stress-free.

Thanks again, Jessa, for the concerN you've shown. You Peraltas are really one great bunch that I am forever thankful for.

MWAH! :-)


Related Posts with Thumbnails

Share This Post