Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Boracay Diaries: The Tears Began to Fall

Dear Baboo,

I was watching Project Runway rerun just a few minutes ago. I wasn’t really following the show. I just happened to click on it and decided to stay on it for a while. It was the episode where they finally announced the ultimate winner. Everything was going well; I was feeling happy for the winner (I didn’t even get her name). Then the parents and family members were called to come out on stage to congratulate their 26-year old daughter for winning. All of a sudden, an overwhelming sense of sadness fell over me… I was crying non-stop and remembering all those countless times in my childhood, my teen years, my early adulthood even that I went up on stage to get an award, a medal, a trophy, a recognition or something, and nobody there really close to me to congratulate me, or hug me or pat me on the back. I always felt alone. Even now as I write this, tears and snort, and saliva are pouring all over the bed here in front of my pc.

What has come over me? Am I just being hormonal or something?

I know I came here to do some soul searching but this was not part of my plan. For whatever shortcomings my family did to me and I to them, I’ve already come to a point that I’ve forgiven them. But maybe, the spirit does not forget, especially if it’s been broken so many times before. Maybe, this is one of the reasons why I’ve learned to be self-sufficient, to work hard, to depend on no one (not even you), to expect nothing and to not be asked of any favors either, coz I grew up working hard for the things I want, for the life that I want, with no real support system. I always had to rely on my own wit, my resourcefulness, my own judgment, things I learned and whatever religion I was into. I was a wandering soul for a long time, and maybe, I still am.

But at least now, I can afford to enjoy my life a bit; I can now give myself a pat on the back even if nobody else does; I can genuinely and unconditionally love myself, even if I never experienced that before. And at least now, I have you.




Micamyx said...

Reading this post made me smile and inspired. What i like about you is that even if you're usually emo (hehehe ako rin eh LOL), pero you don't let it destruct you. It makes you stronger :D

Jennifer Adams-Juan said...

Hey Mica,

As the cliche goes, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I still believe life is too beautiful to be wasted on emo stuff. But sometimes (sometimes lang ha), it's good to let the tears flow.:-)

Meredith said...

Aw, it's okay to be sentimingaw, Jen. :) You and your family have come a long way from before. I feel that way, too (esp. when Daddy goes all drama on me) but we are all grown up now. I realized that when we get older, we learn to forgive easier for the mistakes of our youth. Besides, if we always live in the past, we might just miss out on the present and the future.

Take care, always and know that although I'm far away, my spirit is frolicking on the sand with yah!


Chikka said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Peter "The Mordo" Juan said...

Dearest Boobie,

I wish I was there to give you a nice big hug baby. I completely understand how you feel. It is tough not receiving the validation from people you love and look up to.

But see, one of the things that I admire the most about you is how you never let that destroy your spirit. You just kept on going, and kept on achieving great things. I am so proud of you mahal. You take all the negative things you encounter in stride and you always manage to overcome it. I absolutely love that about you.

I can't wait to be with you again babe. Take care of yourself there and have fun, enjoy your vacation as much as you can. Aight? Love you always.

All my love,

Jennifer Adams-Juan said...


I'm speechless...

You're the best hubby I could ever have in this lifetime. And I thank God every day for you. You are my true north. ^_^ Love you so much!

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Jennifer Adams-Juan said...

Thanks dear! :-)

Lady Morphine said...

Inspiring! Okay soul searching commencing:) Love yah babe!


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