Thursday, March 13, 2014

Of Endings and Beginnings

I've been feeling the blues and it's been going on for a while now (severe depression which has been on and off since 2012). I was pretty ok last half of 2013. The NLP / Neurolinguistic Programming sessions I took in September helped a lot. In a way, the emotional baggage I've been bringing with me since I was a kid got healed somehow. Plus the non-stop travels I did the past two years did a lot of good to my psyche. 

The non-stop hopping from place to place was tiring, yes, and I was welcoming the rest I will be having from these trips come February, my birthday month which was last month, the only time I got to rest from my travels since January 2012. 

Fun, fun Feb, my birthday month!

Everything was going great; I was looking forward to celebrating my 36th birthday at home despite all the emotional trials I've been going through... until something hit me hard and since then I was never the same. :( :( :(

I've been crying so much that one night I decided to take selfies of myself crying. That made me laugh, at least for a little while.

My depression came back with a vengeance. I cried a lot the past month.  It didn't help that I'm just always at home, alone, with no travel plans (except when I go to the mall to run errands and shop) and that everyone I care about seem to be busy with their own personal lives. Well, not that I would take the step to bug them and pour them my woes... I'm just not built like that... maybe I should learn how to reach out (I did somehow reach out a bit to my closest friends via FB and for that I am grateful)... but then again, I have this tendency to pride myself for solving my own problems... I've been the independent type since I was a little girl and I guess having no one really to turn to for constant emotional support (except for my books and my diaries) growing up has just deeply embedded in me the value of being able to take care of my own well-being. 

I hope writing about it will help coz I do miss blogging. It's just cathartic to be able to let it all out and let the whole world know about some of my thoughts and feelings and perhaps someone, somewhere out there would listen and be able to relate to me somehow. 

I'm still not ready to delve into the details of my personal problems. Suffice it to say that something important to me just ended and I don't know if things will get better. I do want to be happy. I just don't know how to get from here to that happy place. I used to write about happiness on Kicking Pinay, my self-help blog, but because of my frequent travels, I kind of lost touch. Living one day at a time helps. So do focusing on other productive things like work, friendships, hobbies and passions. 

 Gotta practice some more!

Right now, maybe instead of thinking too much about what happened, I should spend my energy on other things. I started boxing a week or two ago. I guess my body was shocked that I got sick after 3 sessions. I'm still recuperating and will be back to it pretty soon. 

Excited to go back to boxing next week!

I was supposed to go to Mt. Pulag this weekend with Barefoot Travels. But because of the way my body reacted to boxing, I'm afraid I won't be able to survive the climb so I had to cancel my Pulag plans. That alone is making me a lot sadder. But then Mt. Pulag won't go away and I can always do it some other time when I am more fit. Good thing that my good friend Jayme suggested that I take up Yin Yoga sometime soon. Hopefully, that will help me increase my fitness level and get over my depression as well.

I'm also researching which school I should go to for my Masters in Guidance and Counseling which I plan to take up this year. I've been yearning to finish my masters since I graduated from college in 1999. But life took over and that plan has been on the back burner since. I am now 36 and I want to finish it before I turn 40. So I'm thinking of taking it in UP Diliman but it's a bit far. If I had the budget, I'd prefer to study again in Ateneo. Hopefully I'll find a school that I'd be comfortable with. 

I also have a couple of travel plans this summer. I'll be with Barefoot Travels again for the following trips. Perhaps, you could join me: 

March 22 - Mt. Pinatubo
April 5-6 - Anawangin
April 12 - Batangas Visita Iglesiua
April 26-27 - Calaguas

Then come Holy Monday to Black Saturday, if my budget will allow it, I'll be with Koryn in Albay, Bicol to visit Subic Beach in Matnog.  

Then from May 1-31, I'll be with my bessy Hanz in Cebu. Hopefully if he's not too busy, we can go to Dapitan and visit their farm in Claveria in Cagayan de Oro. Otherwise, I'll just stay in Oslob, try to relax and blog some more.

So that's my action plan to find my bliss once again. 

I know life can be difficult at times but if I try to focus more on the good things once again, be really grateful for what I have, then life can get better. That's my hope and my wish. :)

1 comment:

january said...

I hope things get better for you Jen and I’m still hopeful that your marriage will be saved. I'm praying for you.


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